It was a busy time of year with the lead up to Christmas and our daughter’s annual dance show so I was doing the usual running about for rehearsals, guitar lessons, swimming….life was carrying on as usual. When you have four children your feet barely touch the ground but the thoughts and fears are always there lurking in the back of your mind.
Our biggest fears came very suddenly and unexpectedly. That probably sounds ridiculous but just bear in mind that it had only been a couple of weeks since we got the news that mum’s condition had become terminal. We still had plans….
It was a Thursday morning. I was on my way to a meeting at a Hastings school but had only been in the car for a few minutes when my dad called me. He simply said “I think you’d better come now”. It just so happened I was approaching a roundabout at that moment so I turned round and drove straight there.
Dad appeared calm but he was right to call me. He knew mum was taking a turn for the worse. The GP visited and broke the news that the situation was grave and that mum was deteriorating. We should prepare ourselves for the worst. Her care would now be palliative. I clearly didn’t accept this at the time because I asked if she would be able to go to My daughter’s show the following evening if we all helped to get her there. I could see by his face that wasn’t an option. Even then though I hadn’t understood the potential timescales.
By this time my husband had also arrived and I remember running out of the lounge to the dining room on the opposite side of the flat after speaking to the doctor and I couldn’t catch my breath. It was like a panic attack. I consciously didn’t want to break down in front of my dad but my world had just shattered into a million pieces. Thank goodness I had my husband there to support and comfort me.
A lovely Macmillan nurse arrived shortly after the doctor. It was the first time I had met her but she knew mum very well. She was full of admiration for mum’s stoicism and courage and marvelled at her strength. From this point the arrangements were about making mum physically comfortable.
First of all a ‘Just in Case’ box was prepared for one of us to collect. These are also called ‘anticipatory medicines’ or ‘end-of-life’ medicines.
Just in case medicines are used for different symptoms, including nausea and vomiting, breathlessness, agitation or restlessness, pain or noisy breathing. Some people have these symptoms in their last weeks and days of life but not everyone does. Just in case medicines are prescribed in case someone develops these symptoms. It means they can access the medicines as soon as they need them.
The Macmillan nurse also arranged for a specialist bed to be delivered but said, given the time (by now early afternoon) it was unlikely to arrive that day.
Throughout this time mum was in her bed and not very responsive. We tried to get her to sip from a straw to keep her hydrated but it was difficult as she was so sleepy.
One of my closest friends came straight over when I called her and we sat either side of mum’s bed. I’m not sure why I remember this seemingly trivial moment but we were chatting away about insignificant things and had been talking about which teabags we preferred when my mum suddenly mumbled something like “I love tea” followed by another inaudible comment! Such a simple thing but it made us both giggle. She was still making us smile.
As it happened some relatives were due to come and stay that weekend, the main reason being to watch the dance show the following evening. Dad called mum’s two sisters who dropped everything to do the three hour drive there and then from Bedfordshire with my uncles. I also contacted my foster sister who was in London and encouraged her to leave and come down as soon as she could.
People started arriving late afternoon, including my cousin all the way from Leicester. My brother also arrived early evening.
Everyone spent some time with mum. It’s hard to know if she was aware of this but I think she was.
I was then faced with one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do in my life. My husband came with me to pick our youngest up from primary school. We were given permission to collect him early then collected the two middle ones from their secondary school. The oldest was at college. They knew something was up because their dad hardly ever got involved in school runs. We waited til we got home to explain and I will never forget the image of our poor little girl falling to her knees, absolutely hysterical. It was like a scene from a film. We had ripped her heart out with that news. The youngest was totally bewildered by it all and the older boys seemed numb. I can’t imagine the shock for them. They really had no idea. We had done such a good job of shielding them from the pain of the past four years, the trauma was immense. I could only hope that one day they would forgive me and appreciate that being oblivious had allowed them to continue to have quality time without any worries, leaving the fear for the adults to deal with. As I said before, I believe mum was right but I still wish I’d had the time to prepare them.
We all went back to the flat and the children saw their Nan. Our daughter climbed onto the bed and snuggled up to her. I’m sure she would have known they were there and heard their words of love. I was relieved they at least had the chance to do that.
At around 8.00 pm we decided to go home and get the children sorted. We were exhausted. My car had been parked across the road all day. It was parked perfectly legally in a residential area, not blocking anyone’s drive or causing any obstruction. So imagine my horror at finding a handwritten note tucked behind my windscreen wiper. The note contained a threat along the lines of ‘if I parked there again they would not be held responsible for what might happen to it’. I wish I could remember the actual wording. I kept the note in my purse for a while after then decided I should destroy it as it was toxic and it wasn’t helpful to be reminded of such an upsetting incident on the saddest wday of my life.
I went straight back to my dad’s and showed him the note. One of my uncles was fuming and ready for a fight. This was not the time for petty, spiteful behaviour from neighbours. My dad lives opposite a railway station and a few minutes’ walk from an insurance company which is one of the largest employers in the area. Parking is a bone of contention in that street and has raised a lot of complaints. However, those people have to park somewhere, either for work or train travel, and it is one of those things. It’s the same as if you choose to live near a school where parents drop off and collect their children at the same times every day.
My husband is very good in situations like this one and intervened very quickly in order to avoid tempers being frayed and making a bad situation much worse. He calmly knocked on the door of the house that I was parked next to. The couple who lived there were a local councillor and former Mayor of Bexhill, who was well known and respected in the town, and his wife. His wife answered the door and didn’t deny writing the note. She said she thought it was one of the insurance employees and if she’d known our situation she wouldn’t have done it. Oh that’s okay then! Not…..
Ironically after her husband sadly passed away in 2018 she was a candidate in the Rother local elections for the Independent Party. She was elected in 2019. I doubt it was her community spirit that won her that seat…..In 2021 she ran again but was not elected. Maybe her true character was found out? Who knows?
We could have done without that little drama. We were all drained and had no energy for tackling unnecessary incidents.
Just because you are angry it doesn’t mean you have the right to be cruel….
Hoping for a Happy Ever After 