In Loving Memory

When a funeral has been held, the real sense of loss kicks in. Distractions don’t last forever, sooner or later ‘normal’ life has to resume. But this would be a ‘new’ life and would take a lot of adjustment. Nothing was going to be quite the same again.

The first big step was returning to work. I’d been in my job for over 6 years yet I felt like it was my first day. I had been off for just over two weeks but it felt like a lifetime. I don’t know whether it’s the shock or just the situation in general but my confidence had been knocked sideways. The biggest step is getting there and I am fortunate to be part of a very supportive team who were very gentle with me.

The main feeling is a sense of being in a ‘grief bubble’ where life carries on as normal for everyone outside of that bubble and all you can do is try to get through each day (hour, minute, second….) the best way that you can.

There’s obviously never a good time to be bereaved but weeks before Christmas is just another big punch in the gut. Mum and Dad had always met up with my aunts and uncles at some point before Christmas and I said I’d be happy to go up to Bedfordshire with him if he wanted me to. Mum and I had spent an evening a few weeks previously choosing Christmas presents for all her great-nieces and great-nephew and I had sorted out an order for her. We ordered personalised colouring pencil sets for all of them. The package arrived and we didn’t do anything with it at the time because mum was so poorly and there was so much going on. So we pretty much forgot about them until we’d made the arrangements to deliver them all. The funny thing was my dad had wrapped them all up oblivious to the fact that they had individual names on them and had just put random gift tags on them!! Bless him, he tried! It made us laugh but I did have to check and re-wrap some of them! It was lovely to see the family but of course tainted with the massive void of one of the three sisters (and best friend) not present.

Dad and I made an appointment with the crematorium to discuss our plans for mum’s memorial. She had not specified any requests for her ashes so we made the decision to have them scattered at the crematorium. My Nan had passed away in 1999 and there was a record of which of the gardens of remembrance her ashes were scattered in so the most appropriate thing would be to sprinkle mum’s ashes in the same place, reuniting her with her beloved mum. It wasn’t something I had ever given any thought to but personally I don’t think we would particularly have wanted to store them in an urn. Don’t get me wrong, it’s right for many people but not for us. I preferred the idea of the two ladies I had loved most in the world being together again.

The next decision was what type of memorial we would like. After much deliberation we opted for a bronze kerb plaque with raised lettering. These are fixed on terracotta kerbs in various locations of the Garden of Remembrance. Ours simply states mum’s full name with dates and says “Lovingly Remembered and Missed by her Family”. We purchased this for a ten year period.

The Book of Remembrance is the only permanent form of memorial. It provides the opportunity to create a very personal commemoration using your own choice of words. Lines are inscribed in black ink and the initial letter of the surname is illuminated in gold. The Book is in eight volumes, two for each quarter and four pages are allocated to each day. The volumes are displayed in closed glass-topped cabinets and are open at the appropriate date every day.

Inscriptions are usually entered to mark the anniversary of death but you may choose any other meaningful date if you wish. We chose to have two very simple lines “Died 2011. Dearly loved, greatly missed.” Rather than the anniversary of her passing we chose mum’s birthday, 4th May, as the date of her entry. The pages of the book are turned over every day so each year on her birthday we are able to view that page.

I found ‘dates’ particularly difficult in that first year. I’ve got one of those calendars with the blocks that you turn over each day and, for the first few months at least, I hated changing it because each time I did I was getting further away from when I had my mum in my life. For the first year you can say “this time last year we were…..” and then once you’ve marked the first anniversary you can no longer say that. It’s really just futile psychology but it also reaffirms how important the memories you make are. In time they become less painful and you can remember fondly rather than sadly.

This also brings me on to ‘firsts’. The ‘first’ everything is really hard and I found the build-up to certain dates incredibly tough. Our first ‘first’ was Christmas. All I can say is thank goodness we had children because that prevented us from retreating into our grief and forcing us to celebrate in the best way we could. Before that though two of our sons had birthdays in early December – one was 8 and another 14, on consecutive days – 5th and 6th. In particular we made a lot of fuss of our youngest as he was so completely bewildered with the situation. We went to McDonald’s with some close friends and made a fuss of him. The older birthday boy sought comfort in his own friends.

Christmas itself felt like a bit of a chore for the adults but we cracked on with it. We know it’s what mum would have wanted so we owed it to her to do the best we could. She was like ‘Mrs Christmas’ and had absolutely loved all the shenanigans! The previous year she had been very poorly and it wasn’t great. I remember we all chipped in with the cooking and did a reasonable job but mum felt too unwell to join us at the table and spent much of the day snoozing on the sofa. But at least we had her there with us then.

Christmas 2011 was a surreal time for us and, for the most part, we just went through the motions for the sake of the children. None of us could bear the thought of sitting around the dinner table without mum so, for one year only, we decided to create a ‘new’ Christmas memory. We booked to have our dinner at a local Indian restaurant. My best friend, her husband and their son joined us. It was certainly different and some of us had Indian cuisine while others had a traditional roast. It ticked a box, no more no less, and we got through the day.

On Boxing Day of the same year we all went over to my cousin’s house. They are also a big family and we are all very close. We enjoyed some laughs, raised a glass and did a lot of reminiscing.

I’m not sure which is more tough, Christmas or New Year. Going into a new year was just another psychological hurdle. We were moving into 2012 and leaving mum behind in 2011. It was almost incomprehensible to us that she would never do anything with us again. Fortunately one of my friends who had become quite close to my parents held a party for her 40th birthday which was on 1st January and invited all of us, including some of our extended family. New Year’s Eve can be a difficult one when you have children who are too young to take ‘out out’ and I’m sure most families in that situation would agree that it’s a long old night waiting around for the clock to strike midnight when you’re at home with just your own immediate family. The party was the perfect way for all our friends to celebrate together and be able to include all of our children who ranged in age from infant school to older teenagers. I don’t need to be already feeling sad for a rendition of ‘Auld Lang Syne’ to set me off and just a few notes of bagpipes can reduce me to an emotional wreck! So yes, there were tears but it was also a good night and I think we all relaxed a bit with the help of some alcohol!

The ‘firsts’ continued and next was Mother’s Day. I was reminded more than once that I am also a mum and that my children would want to show me that they think I’m special too. So I took flowers to the Crematorium and wrote in the visitors book which I have done at every visit other than during Covid when they removed the book and pen for safety. Once I had paid my respects to mum I enjoyed a day with my own children.

Next was own my birthday. My husband had made a really good effort and took me up to London for a surprise. I really didn’t have a clue what he had planned, only that I had to dress up smart. He took me for dinner at ‘The Ritz’ followed by a West End play – ‘The King’s Speech’ at The Wyndham Theatre. Being a musicals enthusiast it wasn’t quite what I expected but nevertheless it was very good and I enjoyed it. I had had a little cry at dinner before the play but once I’d shed a few tears I felt better.

The most significant of all though was mum’s birthday. She would have been 65 and I’m pretty sure a party of some sort would have been arranged by her. In the end we decided to get all the family and close friends together to commemorate the day. Mum’s two sisters and their families came down with some of my cousins plus some of my more local family and we had a ‘do’ at my dad’s. It was actually really lovely getting together. Some of us danced all night and others just caught up. Others (mostly the younger ones) got very drunk!

In those early days I used to ‘write’ to mum. I just did a little ‘diary form’ account of what had been happening in our lives since she passed. When you have spoken to someone almost every day of your life and always filled them in on literally everything that’s been happening or going to happen it creates a huge void. Even now (very rarely and randomly) I might think of picking up the phone to tell her something. Nowadays it’s just a fleeting thought that I shrug off but for the first few months it was a hard habit to break. My dad would say we had talked about ‘nothing’ most of the time! In many ways he was right but it was about the connection and irreplaceable mother/daughter bond that we shared. Losing that takes some time to get used to. If I’m honest I’ve never got used to it and I still feel it in my heart. I will never stop thinking about her and wondering if she is looking down on us. That’s a good thing right?

People often talk about wasting time but I truly believe that you don’t always have to be doing something important or remarkable for it to be a meaningful use of time. In my book there really is no such thing as a waste of time.

“The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time”